Let The White Men Keep Silent

What a week, y’all. As I write this, I am almost exactly a week out from being hustled by a long distance moving company and six days into a cross-country reset. 

Life is life-ing all over the place and on one hand, it would be so helpful if certain nonsense would take time off to allow for the processing of one thing at a time, but on the other hand, the distraction can be helpful in its own way. While on the wider world stage, in the middle of the man vs. bear discourse, we had a sport-ball guy give a strong campaign boosting speech for Bear (overkill, if you ask me, as Bear was already winning in a walk), on the whiter, but much smaller stage of evangelical deconstruction, it was me vs. BR - a white, male deconfluencer. 

He posted a story “joking” about how Pastor of deconstruction, a job he credited himself as “accidentally inventing” 😐 should be a job that exists and I went HAM.

Not really, I just wanted to use that 30ROCK gif. I actually didn’t go that hard, I just went assertively and unapologetically, which automatically reads as aggressive to certain people and… so be it. The world does not get better for Black folks, for women or any other marginalized identities by adhering to the rules of civility that keep things comfy, cozy for the power-hoarding white men among us.

I watched Queen Charlotte the other day. Super late I know, but I wanted some background noise while I brushed up the draft of my book proposal. I had watched and enjoyed the first season of Bridgerton when it first came out, but for whatever reason, it didn’t hook me enough to stay immediately faithful as future seasons were released. But I had heard good things about Queen Charlotte and I love to see a Black, female lead, so I put it on. And no regrets. I enjoyed it. I probably would have loved it as a stand-alone endeavor, but as a prequel, it ultimately fell a little flat for me because the character development of Queen Charlotte in Queen Charlotte was great, but still felt very disconnected from the character that Queen Charlotte is in Bridgerton. But again, no regrets, and also - no surprises. If anyone were to do a “deep dive” into me (aka: look me up on YouTube) they would discover that I am a Shondaland aficionado from way back. Scandal was my shit. I loved that show. So much. Until I didn’t anymore, because as much as I love the mindgrapes of Shonda Rhimes, IMHO clumsy retconning is a consistent problem of her genre. 

Retcon - revise (an aspect of a fictional work) retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events.

Queen Charlotte was obviously written after the first season of Bridgerton was a success and the snarky, detached persona of Queen Charlotte had proven to be popular. But what does any of that have to do with any of this? I think we also have a huge character development retconning problem in deconstruction.

White men are being allowed to show up in the deconstruction space with poorly written and clumsily revised histories. And when someone like me, who is very familiar with the minds and works of people like BR, speak up to sound alarms - it is my history, my motives and my methods that are questioned. And not just by white men who don’t like the idea of me having a platform and/or using it, but also by people who love me and worry I’m spending to much energy on things like this. And that is frustrating, because what is my energy supposed to be for?

Please think about the things I have randomly mentioned so far: I moved cross country, I watched Queen Charlotte, I finished a draft of a book proposal, other things not mentioned but also in motion: sending resumes and cover letters, saying yes to a temporary vote canvassing job, keeping up in various group chats about various things, living out of two suitcases, spiraling, writing, staying hydrated - one monkey don’t stop no show and I can walk and chew G.U.M (greatly underwhelming men) at the same time. It’s what I’ve been doing the whole time.

My first major wave of “recognition” and influx of deconstruction followers came from this post —

I have been pointing out the damage done by entitled evangelical men from the beginning. And I’m not going to stop now, or go easier on them just because they claim to have switched sides.

So for the sake of people who genuinely have a “genuine question” and those who like to pretend to, I’m going to address the top three reasons people feel my opinion re: BR and/or other mid men should be invalidated:

1. You just don’t like him.

Well… why should I? As a Black woman in the United States of America, why should I like any white man? All things being equal, I’m fine with giving everyone the benefit of the doubt as far as intention - I choose not to automatically assume every white man is out to be terrible, but I also refuse to engage in the subtle white supremacy required to pretend that white men are automatically as trustworthy as anyone else. They are not. How could they be? Capitalism and Evangelicalism were both set up to favor, enrich and empower them. And power corrupts. They continue to rise to the top of those structures because those structures were designed to aid and abet them rising. So any white man who doesn’t step into this space ready to acknowledge the fact that EVERYTHING has been easier for him the whole time, up to and including now, is a problem. And he is going to be unlikable to me. And that’s fine. I didn’t deconstruct and I don’t exist in this space because I disliked Carl Lentz; I deconstructed and I’m here because I like myself and my friends and people who care about others and I want to do whatever I can to make things better for us. And there are plenty of white men included in that “us”. 

And if you think I would quietly overlook a cis-straight-white male friend of mine charging money for a deconstruction course, or a purity culture workshop or “joking” about creating a pastor of deconstruction job because I like him, then you clearly don’t know me. At all. The only reason you will (hopefully!) never see me publicly take any of my white men friends to task, is because they have sense enough to not freely engage in such blatant white nonsense and when tempted, they reach out and we talk behind the scenes. Because that’s another thing that’s important to know about me - if you’re seeing it out front, there’s shit in the background. There have been conversations or attempts. And because I have limited time and energy, I’m not gonna go back and forth in DMs forever. I am not Jesus - I am more interested in the 99 than the one. So I will happily go scorched earth on one white man, if it will make at least two or more other people pause and reconsider before they give him money to regurgitate learned information that women and non-white folks have actually lived and have had to fight to be listened to about. 

If you’re really dedicated to just boiling this down to You just don’t like him, that’s okay, but please seriously consider my genuine question of WHY SHOULD I? And maybe consider what that says about you and what you think it means to like someone, to be a friend and/or to be an ally. Way too much of our world is on fire right now because way too many people are overlooking and blank-checking horrendous behaviors because they “like” the perpetrators. (And then, just for fun, go on and flip that equation, do you think BR likes me? Why or why not?  And what does that say about him?)

2. You’re just jealous. 

Would you say that Rosa Parks was jealous of white people who were prioritized in bus seating? Was Beyoncé jealous of Becky with the good hair? Am I jealous of BR? No. Jealousy is feeling envy about someone else’s achievements or accomplishments; so to assume that I am jealous of BR, you have to assume he has achieved or accomplished something I want, which means you would have to assume you know what I want. And that actually says more about you than me. There must be something about BR that is aspirational to you, something that you want, that you are assuming I must want too and… no. The most obvious thing is follower count, people think I am jealous of his follower count. So let’s clear that up right now - I am not. What I am is intrigued. And frustrated and disappointed. Because it’s proof that there are a lot of people who are still addicted to reserving the best seats for the most basic cis-straight-white men. People who have all kinds of questions and comments about my motives, and none about his. This guy came out of nowhere, saying nothing new, to be escorted right to the top of algorithm. And that makes fine sense to way too many people. People who are clearly not for me and who wouldn’t be good to have around me, because they think his pablum is substance.

If I envy anything about BR, it’s his ease. Kinda. Because it’s not actually his ease, it is the ease that is afforded to white men. I’m not for everyone. I’m not the best at anything. But if you think my follower count and and BR’s are accurate merit-based assessments of what we bring to the deconstruction space, you are either: a raging white supremacist or an unconsciously undercover one. Because BFFR.

BR is Cracker Barrel - almost everybody has been to a Cracker Barrel and the menu is bland enough that almost everybody can find something that they can eat, but do you think Michelin star restaurants are jealous of Cracker Barrel or given the chance, would alter themselves to be more like Cracker Barrel? Numbers tell stories, but not all of them are good, true or believable. A lot of people are following BR because they see a lot of people following BR and it’s annoying because it’s lowering the bar for “formerly” evangelical white men. All they have to do to be promoted is exist as unchanged as possible. 

BR has deconstructed enough to be affirming and he has not decolonized AT ALL. He has done zero reckoning with how things like white supremacy, heteronormativity, patriarchy and purity culture affected him personally while simultaneously greatly benefitting him socially. I think he legitimately believes his follower count is organic, that he is just that charismatic, that smart, that hard-working and that special. So he has very little interest in questioning or investigating the systems working on his behalf and zero interest in dismantling them. He likes the feeling of being a white savior - he talks a lot and wants a lot of credit for “sharing” his platform with marginalized voices, but… my brother in Christ, who marginalized them? We didn’t do it to ourselves. And a world where we’re still relying on the kindness of strange whites is not a world I’m interested in.

When I first followed BR, it wasn’t a hate follow. I didn't mind him. But then he decided to create and charge money for a deconstruction coaching program and it’s all been downhill since then. Too many people have let this extremely mid white man believe he should be paid for his less than mid observations and I refuse to quietly standby.

3. So then what is he supposed to do? 

Short answer: Go get a regular job and learn to be a regular person. There is a holdover mindset from evangelicalism that says we’re not allowed to point out problems unless we have a solution. It was a very effective silencing tactic that got a lot of us to keep quiet while also burdening us with great responsibility to try and come up with solutions for things the people with actual power didn’t actually see as problems. I shouldn’t have to get a degree in city planning before I can point out that people keep getting run over at a certain intersection. And I shouldn’t have to have an alternate career plan for BR to say he shouldn’t be charging money for courses/coaching/workshops in deconstruction.

The deconstruction community may be missing many things, but the cis-straight-white-male perspective is not one of them. It is both infuriating and inspiring that BR is so confident that his experience and his perspective are worth so much. And it’s honestly kinda sad how clearly stunted his worldview and sense of self-awareness have to be to believe that. After so many of us spent DECADES paying in time and money to listen to the thoughts of unqualified white men, now BR thinks people should pay an unqualified white man (him) to help them through. 😐😑😐 

One of his flying monkeys bumbled into my question box to gotcha question me with “I’m a little confused. Don’t you also monetize this stuff?” A clear and clumsy distraction tactic. There is a huge difference between charging for courses/coaching/workshops and monetizing content. I posted a reel a couple days ago showing a very real invoice I recently got from Meta with how much I have made off of instagram monetization so far in 2024 - a whopping $1.60 - a truly life changing amount, I know. What I didn’t say, but will point out now is that I have NEVER said anything about BR monetizing his instagram content but… do you think he isn’t? Do you think they’re offering him the chance to monetize his reels and he’s saying “No thanks! I’d rather just charge traumatized people for zoom workshops!” No. You can be sure he’s monetizing and he’s making way more than $1.60; but somehow, however much it is, it’s still not enough because he still feels like he is owed for his time and his opinions. Because he has no remorse and no sense of what he owes to the people in this space.

The man was a pastor of a conservative evangelical church for a long time, I have no doubt damage was done to him and even less doubt that he did damage. But to hear him tell it, the only point he’s ready to concede is that his presence might be triggering to some because he might remind them of other previous evangelical pastors. While BR would probably like to think he reminds me of Carl Lentz, the truth is he just reminds me of himself - a spoiled and entitled white man who got used to making a living off of being a platformed and wants to continue to do so. 

But it’s not all bad news for BR, if he insists on being here and insists on being paid for his “expertise” - there is a crowd I would have no problem with him grifting - men like him. Why doesn’t he offer coaching/courses/workshops to problematic white evangelical men? Charge them for his time and energy to help us, by helping them learn how to be in this space without being the worst. I mean, obviously, he can’t right now because he doesn’t actually know how to do that, but… maybe someday?

In our most recent behind-the-scenes exchange, BR mentioned wanting to talk with me, to get on a Zoom and get to know each other and I said no. I told him that I don’t want to talk to him because I don’t want be another marginalized identity that he can extract labor from and then name/identity drop in conversation to prop himself up as an ally. (Because he does that - A LOT.) BR is a picture perfect example of a performative ally - he knows the buzzwords, he has memorized the script and he is doing his best to pull off a great performance. But that’s all it is. A performance. Because that’s all it can be. If you think a conservative white man, who was empowered, coddled, coded and enriched by white evangelicalism for DECADES can deconstruct and decolonize enough in just four years to safely and rightfully be majorly platformed in the deconstruction space… then why are so many of us who struggled much more in evangelicalism and have been doing the work of decolonizing and dismantling for much longer not assumed to have the same authority and not given the same grace and benefit of the doubt? Why do I, a Black woman who has been in the space for longer than he has been publicly affirming, have to prove that I’m not critiquing him simply because I dislike him, but nobody’s asking him to prove that he’s not disregarding my critiques simply because he doesn’t like me and/or doesn’t respect people like me?

I can understand why white deconstructing persons would like to believe that there are shortcuts, that is possible to go from environments steeped in white supremacy, misogyny and various hatreds of various others to a reformed platformed leader with nothing to atone for in just a few years, but that’s not how any of this works. I have no interest in being part of a deconstruction space that ushers men like BR to the top. And I have no sympathy for men like BR who don’t get to be assumed experts anymore. 

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned being hustled by a moving company. The shortest version of the story is that on the morning of the move, they tacked on over $500 in additional charges that they insisted I pay immediately. And, even with all my Instagram monetization money, I ain’t got it like that, so it was a stressful situation that is ongoing as they have been calling this week and basically holding my stuff hostage - they say they’re not going to put it on a truck to California until I pay a certain amount. And I’m not going to pay it. And I could fight them myself, but as a single woman, I know they don’t respect me and that it’s going to take more time and energy than I want to expend. So I handed it all over to a friend the other day.  A man. A formerly evangelical man who thinks a lot about and does a lot towards evening his scales. He knows that he has power and is privileged in certain ways, and where he used to use those things solely to benefit and profit himself in the capitalism of evangelicalism, now he’s using them to help people like me in “little” everyday situations like this. And I think that’s the journey.

We’re so used to platform culture, that we tend to automatically credit people who have big platforms with doing big things, but that math rarely actually maths. So much of the real work and the real change that matters is seen and shown in the “little” stuff. The everyday. It’s in how you’re viewing your power and privilege and who you’re using it to benefit. That’s why BR needs to go get a regular job and be a regular person among regular people - so he can organically meet people different from him, who are not indoctrinated to be overawed by him and who will help him become a better person. Over time. Because it takes time. 

In one of his messages to me, BR said he would be taking time to discuss my critiques with a WOC Christian leader that he trusts. And… SMH. Jodspeed to her. I don’t have high expectations of a WOC that he’d trust (someone like Candace Owens would probably make the cut) but I’d be curious to know if she, whoever she is, trusts him. Would she be happy to be part of a space, a structure, a system built to his specifications? Would you? Because there is nothing new or revolutionary about a world that makes things easier for white men. And there’s nothing we don’t know about structures that prioritize their perspective. And in not wanting to repeat some of the gatekeeping and black-and-white-thinking mistakes of evangelicalism, I fear we’re swinging too far in the opposite direction and pretending all things are equal, when they aren’t and never have been. So maybe it’s harsh and unfair, but mistakes are going to be made and we can always course correct later, I just think we should at least try to see what things would be like, if just for awhile, we let the white men keep silent in deconstruction.